Suicidal Thoughts Of A "WOULD-BE-DEAD"

Heto na naman ako, isa na namang maalikabok na gabi kung saan iniikot ko ang paligid ng gusali, naghahanap ng mga bagay na hindi naman talaga dapat hinahanap. Pilit ko paring winawalis and mga abo na galing sa sigarilyo na madalas tangayin lang ng hangin. Ang tanging laman ng dustpan ko ay ang upos ng Marlboro, Winston at mangilan-ngilang Phillip na ni-yosi ng kung hindi guwardya ay mga nag daraang Construction Workers sa kalapit na ginagawang gusali. Hindi pa kita nakikita simula kanina, marahil nakaligtaan mo na "break" mo na pala o maaaring wala kang dalang yosi. Hindi ko talaga alam... Ayos lang, sigurado naman bababa ka sa oras ng iyong pagkain. Nakakatawa dahil pareho tayo ng buhay, baliktad, habang ang lahat ng tao ay natutulog o namamahinga, heto tayong pareho kumakayod para sa mga sarili nating dahilan. Ang pinagkaiba lang, mas malaki sigurado and sinasahod mo kumpara sa kakarampot na naiuuwi ko... Dumaan pa ang ilang oras subalit ni anino mo'y hindi ko nasulya...

"Fairytales were written not to prove that dragons exist, but to show that they can be beaten"... It's a line from a Neil Gaiman book that I've read in the past, the title of the book I can no longer recall (I'm betting on The Sandman though). You see, stories are forever, they get passed on from one generation to the next, probably as a bedtime story, a story to scare kids to eat their greens or probably a story you tell your friends while having dinner or lunch or something. The possibilities are endless! The point being is that stories never die. They may change a bit, or get altered or details may be added or omitted but in the end, the essence remain the same. Stories, like humans however leave only a mark once read. A story not read is like an entity who died without even seeing the light of dawn. Stories are meant to be read. It's a passport or an aeroplane, a bus or a cab, but unlike these things, stories will take you to worlds unknown, unexplored, un...

Saturday, if my memory serves me well, probably around midday, the heat was just over the top, obnoxious if I may add, that even if I stayed awake for nine straight hours the previous night, I can't help but swear and go down from my room to the den and try to get a little more sleep, it's Saturday after all and we all deserve a little pampering if not sleeping. It was an unusual Saturday morning and one thing I noticed while slowly descending the wooden stairs that goes *creak-creak* everytime your foot leans on its "God-knows-how-old" steps, was the unusual silence, normally at this time of the day, Ma watches an equally obnoxious noon time show that parades scantily dressed dancers with dark underarms, probably smelly too, perky male hosts, even more perkier female hosts an over aged gorilla and the three stooges (would you believe one of them even became a Senator?). Enough of the trivialities, as I was saying, the house was empty as a church in Basilan, I went st...

Let me express my G RATITUDE... ...for coming into my rather boring and "so-so" life, for splashing it with unfathomable neon colors; colors you only see in your dream, unicorn white, elvish green, octopus puple and such. In your hand you hold a magical brush that leaves a scent of green apples and warm familiar smiles Give me a R EASON to believe... ...believe that everything that I feel is nothing but a residue of an imagined love; of a feeling gone astray, uncontrolled and totally accidental. That everything will be OK. E LATE my soul... ...with that oh so loving smile... Reassuring... Numb my pain and lull me to sleep... Let T IME tell... ...Of the times we spent together, of the laughters we shared, secrets we whispered, Sweet nothings, terms of endearment and even our regrets and failures... Let time heal the wounds, forget the sorrow but never forget the words uttered...Words that meant nothing to you but took me hours to say... C RASH and burn... When I hold you ...

Gabi na naman, iniisip kung ika'y ligtas Relo'y tinititigan, segundo'y binibilang Ewan ko ba, mahal nga ba kita? Tintiis ko lang nga ba ang nadarama? "Chong, kalimutan mo na s'ya", banggit ng konsensya... Hindi talaga alam kung kakayanin ko ba. Ewan, baka talagang ganito na lang... Ninanais na kaligayahan, wala talagang patutunguhan

Muli nakita ko na naman ang larawan mo, maniwala ka man o hindi, hindi ko sadyang buksan 'to. tila ang mga daliri ay kusang pinindot ang keypad na dahan-dahang dinala ako sa folder kung saan ko tinatago ang dalawang ala-ala mo. Ano nga kayang nakita ko sa'yo? Kung iisipin, mas maraming babaeng 'di hamak na mas marikit at mas mahinhin kaysa sa 'yo. Hindi naman sa pinupulaan kita, na 'tanong ko lang dahil kahit ako'y nahihiwagaan din sa mga nangyayaring ito... Nakakatawa 'no? hindi ko rin naman na isip na ligawan ka, marahil matawa ka lang at masaktan lang ako na ayaw natin pareho. Ayos na rin sa akin na ganito na lang tayo, masaya ka, masaya ako, at nagkakasundo tayo. Isipin mo, tiyak na maraming tao rin ang masasaktan kung sakaling matutuloy na magkatuluyan tayo. Subalit hindi rin naman mangyayari ang mga bagay na 'to kaya bakit ba pinagtutuunan ko pa ng pansin and mga maliliit na detalye sa malaking buhay natin na 'to? Nakakatawa 'no? Aminin m...